i'm finally hit.

Entry from the previous blog says about how I fear he will tell me he's going.

Now, HE'S REALLY GOING.

He told me last Tuesday (10 June), and I'd been in an emotional turmoil since then.

I'd been wanting to write this entry. But I couldn't. Each time I think about it, him leaving me for 3 years, walls of the tear dam burst.

Each night, I cry myself to sleep. That is the only way of letting it out. Words cannot describe how I feel now. In fact, I don't really know how I am feeling except - distraught.

I've spoken to only a few about this. I don't know how to open this topic to people who knows me. Everyone's answers are pointing me to optimism, but I still can't steer myself there. I'm struggling.

I'd be struggling for long days to come. If people around me are tired of my emo-ing, this is what I am going to be. And I will be like this till the day I walk myself out of this. It is really hard to pretend nothing is happening, it is hard to take each day like the norm. Pretending it is the same and I'm ok, is avoidance. Facing it, is what I am being now, distraught. Cry.

I do not know how some couples can take that living apart. But, at least for now, I cannot. So please stop telling me to try to. I cannot! Not that I don't try. I am. Trust me. I don't wish to be like this at all. Trying makes me feel alot more worse. I rather be what I really am feeling. I feel better.

I cannot wait for the day I overcome my own barrier. I will be damn lonely can. So please ask me out people. I'm in deep social shit.

As for him, I know very well when he speaks of our better future. I'd be really happy for the 3 years to be over soon. And till then, if it is still our future, i'd be thrilled. We can only take it a step at a time.

He wants me to wait. But he cannot give me the assurance of OUR future. Now, he is too stressed and confused to talk about anything. I understand. But I feel, it is not good to leave the r/s hanging also.

But at least, I have friends n family here after he leaves. I know they will be there for me. But he will be all alone there. So boy, if you ever read this, I'm always a call away. I'd be waiting for the 3 years to be over and he comes back to me. Though things will be different by then, but at least, we can still keep the long running r/s going. Its already been so long, its not right to kill it off with our own hands.

Just hope that life don't make a fool out of both of us.