time is precious

Time left: 4 months or less
Time flies. I hope it flies faster after he leaves.

I met Joe 2 weeks back. Damn sweet of him to get me a Corrine May CD. Its nice.

Everyone is telling me to be ok. But, I cannot. So leave me be. I can handle my emotions, at least for now. Its an improvement already. Another thing, that I think is an improvement is, I've been thinking of stuffs I can do after he goes. Things like knitting, beading classes etc....See how things go after October.

Now, all that matters to me is, spend time together. Then when he leaves, I'd just go with the flow. Follow what my heart tells me. That's how I want to handle this thing.

I had a real great weekend with him. And that's memorable.

Work, boring. Doing the same thing over and over again. But it's busy enough to keep me from thinking about things, most of the time. But, frankly speaking, I don't like the job. It's so repetitive. I want something with more versatility. But, let it be now.

I'm meeting Sarah & Pris this weekend. Looking forward to it. A girl's night out. I need more of that.

clouded.touched.

I'm really touched that my dear Sarah called me after seeing my email to update on myself & get updates on others.
Friends....I love u guys too!

Volunteer to be with me, to listen, to keep quiet when I sob quietly over the phone. (Thanks dearie)

At this point of time, I have no idea what other songs can be better than this song by Oasis - Stop Crying Your Heart Out.

When will I happily stop crying and look forward to joining him (holiday) or his coming back? - I'd change it when I'm finally fine. *Grinz*

I have manage to come to terms that he is going (not like I have a choice lor), and we both have sorted things out like grown-ups. Now is just he parting part. Being apart for months before I can see him! HOW CAN!?

Yes I'm whining again. If you're complaining, try putting yourself in my shoes. 6 lovely years together and now apart? Not easy. Its never easy when norms are no longer the norms.

Now, I'm just hopeful for the future, pray vamps stay away from him. He's afterall a fantastic man can. But he's mine ladies & 'Gents' *Grrrr*

I do have plans to join him. But I'm leaving all these planning to after he leaves and after I'm emotionally stable again.

For now, every millisecond is important.

I'm cherishing it. dearly.

i'm finally hit.

Entry from the previous blog says about how I fear he will tell me he's going.

Now, HE'S REALLY GOING.

He told me last Tuesday (10 June), and I'd been in an emotional turmoil since then.

I'd been wanting to write this entry. But I couldn't. Each time I think about it, him leaving me for 3 years, walls of the tear dam burst.

Each night, I cry myself to sleep. That is the only way of letting it out. Words cannot describe how I feel now. In fact, I don't really know how I am feeling except - distraught.

I've spoken to only a few about this. I don't know how to open this topic to people who knows me. Everyone's answers are pointing me to optimism, but I still can't steer myself there. I'm struggling.

I'd be struggling for long days to come. If people around me are tired of my emo-ing, this is what I am going to be. And I will be like this till the day I walk myself out of this. It is really hard to pretend nothing is happening, it is hard to take each day like the norm. Pretending it is the same and I'm ok, is avoidance. Facing it, is what I am being now, distraught. Cry.

I do not know how some couples can take that living apart. But, at least for now, I cannot. So please stop telling me to try to. I cannot! Not that I don't try. I am. Trust me. I don't wish to be like this at all. Trying makes me feel alot more worse. I rather be what I really am feeling. I feel better.

I cannot wait for the day I overcome my own barrier. I will be damn lonely can. So please ask me out people. I'm in deep social shit.

As for him, I know very well when he speaks of our better future. I'd be really happy for the 3 years to be over soon. And till then, if it is still our future, i'd be thrilled. We can only take it a step at a time.

He wants me to wait. But he cannot give me the assurance of OUR future. Now, he is too stressed and confused to talk about anything. I understand. But I feel, it is not good to leave the r/s hanging also.

But at least, I have friends n family here after he leaves. I know they will be there for me. But he will be all alone there. So boy, if you ever read this, I'm always a call away. I'd be waiting for the 3 years to be over and he comes back to me. Though things will be different by then, but at least, we can still keep the long running r/s going. Its already been so long, its not right to kill it off with our own hands.

Just hope that life don't make a fool out of both of us.

cold

I know, I'm whining, I'm being emo. But, if I could help it, I wouldn't want this at all.

It feels like I'm facing cold spell deep down. I don't know what to face anymore towards the relationship.

Seriously, everyday I'm just so afraid to hear him tell me, "Ger, I'm going." I don't know how I'd react to this. I'm scared.

Being devoted to this relationship for 6 years, I suddenly realize my life is disastrous without him. And I want to get myself out of this. Really. Help....

I've no idea how to face him and pretend everything is okay. The longer this drags, the worse I feel everyday.

I know he's vexed enough. Pressing him for an answer won't help anything. I can only do the thing i hate most.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

I know something for sure, I want him to make a decision he will never look back and regret. His decision will decide the next phase of this relationship.

Bless us.

The "We" Essence

The word, "We" is very much the missing element in my 6 years relationship.

Both of us are seen together outside, at his house and mine. But, what have WE really established other than being seen externally as a couple?

Never once did we talk about our future together. "Our Plans" have never existed at all.

Is it the memories the binding factor that holds us together for 6 years or is it really love? I really can't tell.

Last night I finally spoke to him about it (his plans for our future). And his "anything can happen" seems to end the conversation. Yes, anything can happen. But does it mean that you stop planning for the next day, the day after, the next month and the next year?

Is "anything can happen" defined as 'planning for the next second'?

I'm a strong believer in 'Anything can happen', but it doesn't stop me from planning 5 years ahead of time and change as things goes. Maybe its just ME.

It appears to me that he is not even sure if I'm The One. That's a very sad thing. What am I worth to him? I've never known my importance in his life.

And today, he broke the news to me. He couldn't get a local U admission. And his dad will not want him to do his degree in other U in SG. There seems to be only 1 option - study overseas. Like I said before, I don't believe in long distance relationship. I think he don't as well.

But at least for today, we're talking things in a We context. But I don't think we'd be we for long.