overwhelmed with....frustration...gloom....

NOTE: before you start reading, this is going to a long blog..there's just too many to spit out...

today's a day filled with gallons of emotions n thots kept rolling...i have to write all out, cuz i just can't seem to reali sms enough to my friends & darling to vent my frustration. but even when i manage to, can they really understand what i really felt?

in office....
1st thing in the AM, i went to speak to my direct boss, Ms P. i told her that this job is not for me, so far all the handed over junk are all admin work, NONE of it is like what she said to me, marketing related. Does she really understand the meaning of MARKETING in the 1st place? i really doubt so.

her reply to me was - "perhaps you haven't gotten your own workplace, thus this out-of-place feeling. what has that gotta do with MARKETING? persuaded me to try out. told her i will try, but eventually, not suitable i'd still leave. (couldn't be bothered to talk to her since she's talking cock to me, nonsensical nonsense!)

the meeting...
then the finally got to see the devilish boss in meeting. true as it can be. unbelievable experience. i never expected to see such a tyrant in my life! he acts like he's the king of the world.

the meeting was at 12pm, and everyone was asked to stand outside his office @ 1155am, to wait for his 'order' to enter HELL. - reason being - he hates to wait for people, but people have to wait for him! fuck it!

once the room was opened, everyone rushed in n settled down, that rushing in scene was almost like we're a group of actors rushing backstage to enter the main stage for performance. i was shocked to see them behaving like this.

in the room, it almost felt like no one breathe. plain silence until he spoke to run thru' the meeting minutes. he scolded his staff like they are nobody.

one thing he said that ran thru' my mind constantly was - "don't go around the bush with me, you haven't earned that respect yet!" to a writer in my team. seriously...how could anyone tolerate this? anyone of u reading this can tolerate this?

another unforgettable scene was - "use your fucking brains" - "poom" (banging of his desk till his drawer slided out). -.-'

all these said by the boss in a meeting - not to joke with the word "fuck" but get scolded by a cold-blooded creature - the tyrant.

and when he wants you to stop talking, he puts his 'polar palm' straight in your face. seriously, what the hell!

i was like an observer in this skit. i saw 10 gloomy faces. people who were initially upright, filled with laughter suddenly shrunk in his presence. - is this the kind of company you'd want to work in? well, definitely not me.

after thots...
during lunch the AO in my team asked, "so what do you think?"
my 1st answer & Q was - "how did you all tolerate this?"
her reply, "just get used to it & don't get too personal, then ok lor."

- this is like what my darling said, people don't really have a choice sometimes due to their commitments. but my question is -

isn't there another place in the world that can hold you?

do you have to really tolerate this?

the funny thing is, the people in my team are all very young, they jolly well can afford another job. the writers, the asst. sales mgr and the asst. publishing mgr...they're all young...probably they pay well, but....to suffer such demeaning boss?

one thing i can't miss admitting is that, this tyrant actually points out practical facts thou in a fucking rude & disrespectful way. his Qs to them are right in a business perspective, but in terms of EQ, its very.......i don't know....not right...violation of human rights cuz he's making you feel so tiny! as if all your efforts are useless, and he's better off doing it....

money & commitments V.S. pride
this leads me to think over & over again...will this ever happen to me? to degrade & lose my pride all cuz of money?

right now, i can say, i can afford to stay jobless. i have no commitments (all thanks to the 'people up there' for my lucky life...).

....but..in future?

when i have kids, take care of my parents in their old age, myself, and maybe my husband.........what will be going through my mind then....? will i be like them? tolerate injustice of a tyrant superior? let him/her screw me in front of my fellow colleagues till like i'm not worth a single cent?

everyone of us is a precious child in our parents' eyes, yet we're being treated like a pathetic dirt @ the workplace. its a cruel cruel world......

welcome to the society, Esther....its a cruel world out there where practicality wins, but does tyranny plays an important part to success?

am i practical thinking enough? or am i childish & naive? guess i'd never know till i have more of such experiences (i sincerely pray to all gods, i don want it to happen again, PLEASE!)

i've decided to tender tomorrow, 1st thing in the AM. regardless of what they wish to say or screw, im leaving for good...i don see how i can adjust myself that soon to fit into this coy...im leaving before i get screwed by tyrant..i'd retaliate.....i may lose, but i'd put on a fierce fight to hold my pride....simply no respect towards his employees...even the interns were scolded like drenched monkeys.

at home....
i looked forward to coming home for a good rest n complain session...end up quarreling over a printer & game with the other 'tyrant' at home...(yes, the notorious one......HIM!) its the 3rd time we quarrelled over such tiny, SAME issue....i really give up...the thot of this makes my heart break...it always does..making my day even worse...a trail of tears flowed down my cheeks....

"Tears are the most substantial and yet the most fleeting, the most obvious and yet the most enigmatic proof of our emotional lives" - By JEFFREY BERMAN

tears always fall when i quarrel with him..its always due to a misunderstanding & he starts throwing words at you...it stings my heart...but, he will never know...in his eyes, im his 'tyrant sister' who always talk about him & stuff...im never good...ha.. =(

i hate to let my mum see that ugly display, but i couldn't help it but retaliate..im very defensive..

...........loss for words...........

things haven't gone too well as i hoped for, life is unpredictable & never perfect...i could only hang on & pray that gloomy clouds drift pass me & never come back....and may good things come my way, .....eventually....life still goes on, and no matter how bad i feel, im not as bad as what some other Beings are experiencing...im still lucky.....one song that i find suitable for myself now is Stand Back Up By Sugarland....hear it... =)

NOTE: thanks for reading this long writeup...ha...but congratulations! you finished an anecdote by the infamous Esther Ng!